Today, we said goodbye to one of our dogs. It was an extremely tough call to make, but in the end, it was for the best. He hadn't been well in a lot of regards for a long, long time and the last couple weeks things were not getting any better.

He passed peacefully, surrounded by my sister, mom, and I; plus he got to have a huge feast of treats beforehand.

I don't think I've cried that hard in a long time. Cried to the point where I was so dried out, I started crying without tears (and only started crying after I got some water).

Love returns to love.

I miss you, little man. <3

One of the things that almost always gets an incredulous response is when I say that I'm not a fan of gift art—both receiving and giving—and I don't want it unless it's part of a Secret Santa-like exchange or I pay to have someone draw a thing for me. I’ve tried over the years to articulate why, but now it's time to really articulate it in a more detailed way that, hopefully, gets people to understand why I'm uncomfortable with gift art.

Way back in Ye Olde Dark Ages of the Internet, there was a site called Side7, which one could say was the ur version of DeviantArt before it blew up in 2003. Being a young, naive artist at the time, I participated in it the way others around my age bracket did. I made some friends through it (none of whom I'm friends with anymore), and life was okay-ish. There were occasions where I drew art for others, sometimes expecting a thing in return, as I saw said friends-of-the-time drawing a lot of stuff for their friends—but they rarely, if ever, did anything for me. I think the naive part of my brain believed that by drawing art for them, they'd like me, but I would eventually come to regret this belief once the shoe was on the other foot.

DeviantArt came, and it blew up big time—one of those "you had to have been there" periods where it felt like the who's who of artists were on there. A lot of the "popular" DA artists were either super aloof, incredibly rude, egotistical, or incredibly cliqueish—the latter of which happens when you put a bunch of people into a massive social setting. Not much different from the latter days of enshittified socmed sites like Twtx, Tumblr, etc., when you think about it.

There was one artist (who won't be named) in particular who came off as cantankerous to the max and more abrasive than steel wool—who bitched about getting art from others and claimed people only did it to get free art from them or trick them into an art trade. A fair amount of people did get angry if the artist never acknowledged or drew anything for them in return. At the time, I didn't like this artist because I believed they were being ungrateful and mean. Once again, this was a perspective I would regret once I found myself on the other side of the fence.

On another day, I drew something for an artist I liked at the time. I don’t even remember their name, but before I posted it, they pitched a gigantic fit about getting art because they felt people were trying to manipulate them into being friends or get free art from them. Suffice to say, that drawing went into the trash bin and never saw the light of day. After that, I decided I'd be more cautious about who I drew art for, if ever again.

In the years following, the vast majority of my art was geared more toward my tastes (be it the prototype version of what would become the Delta Caeli worldbuild or Marvel capeshit), and on occasion, I would draw a thing for someone who was an established friend, as I knew they wouldn't be convinced there was a shakedown for an unintentional art trade. It was nice, if not tenuously peaceful.

Then came the Mass Effect fandom and all the messiness that followed. Not even going to bother getting into specifics, as I legitimately don't remember a good chunk, and most of it has been lost to LiveJournal and time. Much like the F-Zero fandom, there were some cliques where artists drew each other's Shepards and/or their Love Interests (canon or otherwise), and in hindsight, it did feel exclusionary to others who weren't part of the so-called "In Crowd." I got a fair amount of gift art for various reasons, and while it felt flattering, there was always this little voice in the back of my head that kept telling me this felt wrong and/or a growing paranoia that it wasn't a one-sided thing. I want to say that on at least one occasion, someone was mad that I didn't reciprocate, but again, I honestly don't remember exactly due to my swiss cheese memory.

One "friend" in particular, whom I am no longer friends with and am firmly "No Contact" with, always drew me things with a caveat that it had to include their Shepard and/or their LI. This was also a friend who, for lack of a better term, was not very well liked by the majority of people in the LJ community due to their antics, but being non-jaded and softhearted at the time, I wanted to give them a chance, and well... yeah. I'm sure they weren't expecting anything in return, yet that paranoid undercurrent always lingered whenever I got art from them.

The final straw—for a lot of things, really—that made me cut off contact with them entirely and unperson them was when they drew me a Saint Walker (from Green Lantern) for my birthday one year, as I'd largely moved on from Mass Effect to the Green Lantern Corps comics insofar as fannish interests go. The description they wrote for it came off as incredibly mean, as they basically said in the rudest way possible: "I have no interest in this, I don't care about this, but they like it, so here it is," and to say it felt like an RKO to my feelings is an understatement. Never mind the fact that I'd put up with their obsessions with Glee and those awful Tim Burton Alice movies—none of which I had interest in, yet I tried to be supportive in a kind way, despite this person completely ignoring me and my non-ME fannish interests—that moment alone killed any and all interest I ever had in getting gift art from anyone. Even friends, both genuine and supposed. Because how would I know if it was done out of a genuine reason or if they did it as a way to shut me up or w/e?

After that, my opinions and feelings shifted dramatically. The people I met within the GLC fandom were nice and no doubt most were genuine in intentions, but I was incredibly uncomfortable with art I'd get of my Fan Lanterns from people I barely knew outside of paying for art of them. Between a rock and a hard place, as some people did feel it was transactional in the end: they drew me one thing and they expected me to do another for them. And when I did express discomfort (due to a combo of this and issues with people stealing my characters to use as theirs), at least one person got hostile.

So in the years following, I withdrew more and more when it came to art. The vast majority of it was solely for me, be it SWTOR, Guardians of the Galaxy, or my own OCs from various worldbuild attempts. If I wanted art from others, commissions were the only safe route as it truly was transactional and thus free of any messiness and unpredictability.

And then came the Warframe community. As it was my first major fandom experience in almost 5 years (as 2015-2019 was all about the Delta Caeli worldbuild with a few forays into Legacy of Kain), I decided to finally establish boundaries very early on with myself and stick with them: no "gift" art from others (even friends) and only suggestion-based art memes or commissions if I wanted something from others. So far, it's held up and people have respected this boundary even if they don't understand why it's there in the first place.

Am I missing out? Maybe. But I feel safe and that's what matters. It's scary finally setting boundaries after years of being a doormat that doesn't like confrontation and tries to make everyone happy to avoid conflict, but it feels right.

Boy, the past 24 hours have been nuts. That's all I'm saying on the matter because anything more and I just get depressed and overwhelmed. =~=

Anyhow... hmm. Fandom? Fandom.

Warframe: Currently on a streak to get as many of the Zariman weapons as possible + an extra Gyre to feed to the Helminth. I was on hiatus from the Creator Program when 'Angels of the Zariman' dropped, so I never got D1A and bought Gyre off the market in her bundle. So many Voidplume Quills... so many... if I never have to hear the grating voice of Cavallero again after this, I'll be happy.

Currently trying to figure out what to do for a Community Showcase entry for TennoCon this year. In an ideal world, I could do something with Darvo, Baro, Maroo, and Varzia (non-Syndicate shopkeepers) but realistically speaking, something to appeal to recency bias is probably the most pragmatic choice and that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Gonna sketch out something with the Shopkeepers and a thing with Temple, Octavia, and Banshee in a Jem-y pastiche; run it by some trusted people to see which one is gonna be the strongest. I honestly don't expect to get into the Showcase at all, if I'm being truthful, due to the theme being so open ended and Soulframe being included, but it's worth a shot!

Legacy of Kain: Backed all the crowdfunding projects and enjoying the Remasters. Decided to withdraw from the fandom as a whole for a long time, tho', because everyone else in it was irritating the shit out of me for a variety of reasons and stepping back is probably the smartest choice. LoK has a very deeply personal meaning to me and I've come to accept that there'll never be a Fin-shaped space in the fandom and I'd rather just appreciate and talk about it on my own terms, even if it's to a brick wall lmao.

FFXIV: Haven't engaged in the broader fandom for over a year and a half now and life has been better for it. Got mega burned out on the game in 2023 and hadn't played it at all until Dawntrail dropped.

tbbh... DT was terrible for reasons others have better described. I'm just sticking around for the raids (Arcadion is stinky and Vana'diel has no impact on me similar to Nier raids) and side content. Also house.

idk, it hasn't reached the point I did with SWTOR where I went cold as fuck turkey but if the story doesn't get better going into 8.0, that point may be coming sooner than anyone thinks. >V

tfw you want the outfits from the new Barbie Basics kits, but you don't want to pay $100-300 for all of them. =~= Will wait for when parts show up on eBay but right now, I just don't know.

Like, I love the modularity of the concept but it's Mattel. They are pretty slipshod quality on everything and tbf the Made to Move body is ugly. Why they haven't done the R&D to make an aesthetically pleasing variant for collectors is beyond me.

It's so simple and hey don't even have to give up the body types they've been using, either. Mattel could do something like this:

• Removable hands
• Flush twist joints on the thighs
• More discreet joints
• NO MORE MOLDED ON UNDERWEAR
• More detailed toes
• "Explodable" bodies for easy repairs and swapping

It's pretty fucking sad when bodies on AliExpress do this better. Azone, Obitsu, and Integrity are so much better at this; hell, even Momoko Doll does it better and she's super fragile.

idk idk. It's fun to customize Barbies these days as an adult, but it's really sad to see there's so much hindering the full potential for adult collectors who like to pose and photograph their dolls. >V